Things We Lost In the Fire
by storyweaver24
Summary: Lily sees her boyfriend snogging another girl. Potentially AU Jily.


**A/N: I guess this might be slightly AU-ish, but it doesn't have to be. I don't know. Anyways, happy holidays and enjoy! All rights belong to JKR.**

* * *

_I was the match and you were the rock  
Maybe we started this fire  
We sat apart and watched  
All we had burned on the pyre_

_-The Things We Lost in the Fire (Bastille)_

* * *

The world came crashing down and Lily was caught in the middle of it. Her vision bent and blurred, but the image she wanted blacked out remained eerily in focus.

Clapping a hand over her mouth, she backed away stumbling slightly and unable to tear her gaze from James Potter kissing another girl in the room.

She wandered around the hallways, not seeing anything, eternally grateful that it was so near curfew. She couldn't go back—_he _could be there—and so, seeing a bench tucked away by a window, collapsed on it. She pressed her legs to her chest and her back to the wall so to keep herself as small as possible. Her head she rested on her knees and stared out onto the grounds.

Every time she blinked, the scene was there, almost as if it was emblazoned on the back of her eyelids causing waves of nausea to continuously wash over her.

How long she sat there, fighting her rolling stomach and biting her lip to keep the tears at bay, she had no idea. The temperature dropped little by little until she finally realized she was shaking.

Soft footsteps echoed down the hall. 'Lily?'

Oh, Merlin.

'Lily?' he asked again, his voice slightly more panicked. 'Are you alright, love?'

She dropped her head down to her knees again, taking in a deep breath; she couldn't get the oxygen to her lungs. Abruptly, she sat up straight and pressed a hand to her stomach. She refused to look at him because if she did, she would break.

'I'm going to be sick,' she moaned, bolting off the bench and down the hall. She was near the tower, luckily, and perhaps she could make it.

'Lily?' He called out once more, but he didn't follow. The part of her that was not concentrated on keeping herself together was glad. When there was enough distance between them that she could breathe again, she ducked into the nearest bathroom.

She leaned over the basin and vomited, the burn of it against her throat only making her pain physical. She collapsed against the toilet and wiped her mouth with a hand, still choking down tears.

She would not cry over an arsehole like him. She refused to.

He wasn't in the Common Room when she snuck in as the clock struck three. That shouldn't have hurt, but it did and she ran up the stairs to her room. She crawled into bed, shedding only the most necessary of clothes, and promptly fell asleep.

The next morning came too soon. She woke with a staggering weight on her chest, pressing her into the bed and denying her the right to breathe.

'Are you alright?' her best friend asked, causing Lily to whip her head around. The simple statement brought up unwanted memories of last night. _Are you alright, love? _ It was almost as if he was standing right there in her room with her as he said those words.

She closed her eyes again, digging her fingers into her comforter. Alice knew her well enough to realize that there was something wrong. She kicked off her shoes and climbed in next to her.

'I went to meet him last night,' Lily whispered. 'I went to surprise him and received a shock instead. Alice, he was already there and he wasn't alone. There was another girl there.'

'I'm sure that it was a mista—'

'They were snogging.'

Alice fell silent for a moment, her face crumpling into one of sadness. 'Lily…'

'No,' she said, throwing off the covers. 'It's nothing. He's nothing. I'm not going to mope about it. He's not worth it. I'm hungry. Are you hungry?'

'Yeah,' Alice said after a moment, regarding her quietly. 'I am. Let's go to breakfast.'

They walked out—Lily still in last night's clothes—and down the stairs. Lily hesitated when she saw a familiar group of boys lounging by the portrait hole. Alice gave Lily's hand a squeeze and tapped a passing girl's shoulder.

'Marlene? Could you run interference?' she gestured to the Marauders. Marlene's gaze slid from Lily to James and then back again as understanding began to shine through her eyes.

'Of course,' she said and made a beeline for the boys. 'James! What about the Quidditch match coming up? You nervous?' she asked loudly so as to draw all of the attention on her. He turned away from the entrance and looked towards her.

'Let's go,' Alice muttered, hooking her arm through Lily's. They sped past, throwing Marlene an appreciative look as they dashed away unseen. 'See? Safe and sound.'

They sat at the Ravenclaw table with Benjy Fenwick and Amos Diggory so James wouldn't be able to find them. They, like Marlene, asked no questions but did move in front of Lily when _he_ came near, hiding her from view. When he was gone, Benjy gave her a big hug and a pat on the head.

'Do we need to have a few words with the prat?' he asked solemnly. She cracked a small smile, suddenly filled with emotion for her friend.

'Not yet, but I'll let you know.'

Like so many people that day, he looked at her before he nodded, as if he was worried she would collapse into tears. She made her smile bigger—somehow—and he turned away to chat with Amos about the Quidditch game they were arranging that afternoon.

Amos sipped his tea. 'Are you two going to come?' he asked them as they were finishing up. The girls looked at each other and shrugged.

'Maybe,' said Lily.

'I don't see why not,' said Alice. The boys grinned, pleased.

'You'll be rooting for our team, yeah?'

'Of course,' Alice reassured, knocking into Amos' shoulder. He pushed her back and she started to laugh. Frank Longbottom, a fellow Gryffindor, looked up at the sound and frowned at them. Alice sobered up, shooting the boy an interested glance when he went back to his breakfast. Unfortunately, someone else had noticed the laughter too.

'Alice, I've got to go,' Lily whispered desperately, catching her friend by the arm as her eyes quickly flickered over to the Gryffindor table.

Benjy set his teeth. 'I'll take care of him,' he said, rising from the table with Amos.

'Don't—try not to get in a fight. Just tell him about Quidditch, okay? Please?' Lily pleaded as she and Alice got up.

'Fine,' he growled, shooing them away. They stood and walked as quickly as possible without garnering any attention to the exit. James, seeing them, tried to follow but the other boys stepped into his way.

'Potter,' Amos said evenly. 'Are you up to a game this afternoon?'

'Not now, I'm busy.'

'It has to be now. We're making up the teams,' Benjy replied, easily matching James' steps so he couldn't get past. 'Do you want to play or not.'

'Uh, sure. WAIT—'

Lily didn't hear anything else as she sprinted from the room, dragging Alice with her. They flew down the halls and up the stairs. The portraits scolded them as they ran past, but the girls barely spared them a moment of hesitation to catch what they were saying.

'This way,' panted Alice as she veered towards a tapestry. 'Shortcut.' They ducked underneath it and arrived one floor below where they should be. They paused, scanning the hall for unwanted males, and ran up one final flight.

'Lily!' James bellowed as they got to the portrait hole. He was at the top of the stairs.

'Shite,' she cursed before hastily giving the password. 'Chocolate frog. And hurry!' The Fat Lady did as asked and swung forward faster than Lily had ever seen. They went through and finally—finally!—made it up to their room. They threw themselves onto the bed and caught their breath, almost laughing.

'That was an adventure.' Lily said.

'You don't say.' Alice replied, grinning.

It was a Saturday and the dorm was unexpectedly quiet. Three beds stood empty and two were occupied with the reading-and occasionally-napping girls.

Lunch rolled around and Alice left, only to be back fifteen minutes later with provisions. Even as they traded issues of _Witch Weekly_ and munched on toast, Lily still felt…fragile.

At three, Alice glanced up guiltily and said, 'Do you mind if I go to the game? Frank asked me if I was going to be there and I told him yes.'

Lily waved her hand. 'Go ahead,' she replied, craving solitude. 'But I'm going to stay here.' Alice nodded understandingly and got up from her bed.

'I think the Common Room should be empty,' she mused as she stopped in the doorway. 'If you need a change of scenery, that is.'

'Thank you,' Lily answered, thinking she needed just that. And so, when it seemed like an appropriate time later, she crept downstairs with her journal and a pet and dropped into the chair by the fire.

Time seemed to ebb and flow there, slowing like molasses at some times and speeding up like a lightning bolt at others. She was sucked into her words, retelling her frustration and hurt and anger. It was painful, but she would heal.

'WHAT THE ACTUAL HELL,' a loud voice announced behind her and making her cringe. She turned around to see James standing there, covered in mud and blazing with anger.

Her nausea returned and she swiveled towards the girls' stairs.

'Oh, no. You're not getting away that easily,' he cried, vaulting over the chair and latching onto her wrist with alarming speed. She jerked against his arm but he refused to let her go. He whirled her around so she was facing him. 'Speak.'

'There's nothing to say.'

'Bullshite. You've been avoiding me for days. Why?'

'No reason.'

He narrowed his eyes and his voice rose with every sentence he spoke, dripping with fury. 'Don't try to think that you can get away with using those lines. I know you better than that. I know when Marlene is going out of her way to distract me and when the Ravenclaw boys hide you and when they mercilessly pelt me with Bludgers during a game _they_ invited me to, without any reason. And above all that, I'm your _boyfriend, _I can tell when you're upset.'

'Are you really?' she shouted, her resolve finally snapping. Her words radiated anger as all the emotions that had been bottled up inside her finally released. 'Are you really my boyfriend?'

'Are you bloody _mental?_' he scoffed. 'Of course I am.'

'Really?' she said in a sugary sweet tone. 'Because last time I checked, boyfriends don't go around snogging other girls!'

He stared at her for a moment, confusion plastered all over his face. 'I have no idea what you're talking about.' But he hesitated before he said it and she noticed. It felt like fire creeping in her veins, covering the walls, so hot was her anger.

'You don't have to play dumb. I _saw_ you, alright? I was coming to—well, it doesn't matter now—and there you were.'

'It's not—'

'I thought you would be different! I thought that you would have changed from that girl-crazy, pompous git of fifth year who just wanted me because I didn't want him. But no, that hasn't changed because as soon as I'm yours, _you go after someone else._'

'But—'

'And then, _and then_, your girlfriend comes along and sees you snogging each other in the Prefects' office, like I don't even matter.'

'Evans!'

'Is it any wonder, Potter,' she spat, 'that I didn't want to talk to you in fifth year or even today? You make me livid. Just, let go of me, you arrogant _git_.'

He didn't let go.

'Just listen and stop being so upset. You don't have any reason—'

'I have plenty reason!' she insisted, tugging her hand finally out of his grip. 'And if you're going to be a shit boyfriend, then I _can_ and _will _be upset.'

He frowned again. 'How am I a shit boyfriend?'

'Let me count the ways.'

'We didn't snog!'

'I saw you! Stop lying to me!' Lily screamed, feeling like she was going to break down and cry. But she promised herself she wouldn't do that.

'I hate you, James Potter,' she said quietly, interrupting whatever he had to say. 'I don't want to hear it and I bloody hate you.'

'Don't say that,' he whispered, almost begging. That just made her hate him more. He wasn't angry when she needed him to be. She _wanted_ him to scream back at her because then she wouldn't have to put up with the heartbroken expression on his face. She wouldn't have to put up with the sudden quell of stupid, invalid _guilt_ that bubbled in her chest.

He had no right to be so sad.

'Yeah, well guess what; it's true,' she said bitterly before turning on her heel and marching up the stairs.

This time, he let her go. She was up the stairs in a heartbeat.

No matter how much she refused to cry, the tears fell down her cheeks. She buried her head in her pillow and sobbed silently, feeling like her heart had shattered in two. She cried and cried and cried because as much as she wanted it to be, she didn't hate James Potter.

Worst of all, she knew she couldn't.


End file.
